The Laughing Buddha Looks On

• You hear “Got yourself into a bit of trouble I see” and “Been in the wars?” a lot.

• You can justify wearing all your loose baggy, shapeless clothes.

• There is no dignified way of wiping your own arse unless you do the more undignified act of letting someone else do it for you.

• Mere buttons and pistachios become Zen like puzzles to overcome.

• There are amazing uses for other body parts, for example your heel can be used to clean the buttocks.

• You get hit on.

• Strangers give you the sympathetic head tilt.

• Some strangers will still walk straight into you on purpose.

• Shoelaces aren’t worth thinking about.

• Googling similar bone surgery operations to your own is not a good idea.

• Door handles and keys inside locks are the enemy.

• Sleep deprivation is something you have to get used to.

• Pink puss is not good.

• TV Box Sets save you from insanity.

• You tire of having to explain your injury to yet another shop assistant.

• You begin concocting new stories of how you got your injury – ‘a Ferris Wheel accident’ is one and ‘saving Brazilian orphans from a house fire’ is another.

• ‘Bath Time’ is an experience as thrilling as a five hour German opera.

• You can’t go shopping. A packet of crisps becomes a three course evening meal.

• Your social life diminishes to the level of a 5 year old’s.

• You are continually amazed who offers you their seat on the bus and more surprisingly at those who don’t.

• The whole thing becomes incredibly tedious. So very, very tedious.